just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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