i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
If I die, sorry about rent.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
