Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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