I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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