when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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