just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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