I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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