OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize