I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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