I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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