theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Everything about him screamed your future.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
