I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize