I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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