Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My pussy is not your playground.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
