Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize