Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
they're like a gay fantastic four
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize