Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
