I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
