the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
