My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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