The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
