The maid of honor just puked.
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
