The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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