Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
