you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
