no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize