I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize