You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
