I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
