do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
