birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
