remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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