just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
