Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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