How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i came on her dog
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
