Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
