my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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