I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
we're making bets on your personal life
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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