I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
pop tarts are not kleenex
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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