There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
