I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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