Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
