You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
