rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
