It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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