hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
