wrigley field is MILF paradise
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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