Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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