I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
