I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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