Pregnant stripper...not hot.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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