I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
