I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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