Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
We don't watch enough power rangers
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
