I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
