I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My ATM looks so different sober.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
