So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
