o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
