If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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