Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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