i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
you never un-have a 4some
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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