Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize